Epiphany #1: Breaking up is hard to do

So what launched me on this whole recent period of self-examination and personal transformation? Whence these reflections, and revolutions, and new routines?

It all hit home one day in the grocery store parking lot…

This was a few months ago. Several weeks before I had celebrated one of those momentous birthdays. One of those birthdays that makes your age end in zero. I should say “celebrated” (in quotes) because I wasn’t exactly excited. And I’m still not. (Boy, do I need therapy.)

Anyway, I’d been reflecting lately on the fact that I’ve always been up-and-down, ebb-and-flow, feast-or-famine, when it comes to establishing wholesome habits of nutrition and exercise. And I’d been wrestling with why that was the case, and what (if anything) I might do about it.

And it hit me that day (especially as I was strolling through that grocery store parking lot) that for my whole life (all of my -0 years) I had related to my body a certain way, and not a good way. I’ve always been relatively thin (I come from a family of tallish, thinnish men), and so I’d always gotten away with treating my body any way I wanted. (Here too I guess I should use quotes: “gotten away.” I hadn’t. Not really. Only superficially.) I’d gotten along eating whatever I wanted, and exercising if I felt like it, because no matter what I ate or did (or didn’t eat or didn’t do) I stayed thin. High metabolism, I guess. I’d imbibed the lie that if you’re thin you’re healthy, and therefore I’d never felt any real urgency to make changes and make them stick.

But now at age -0, I wasn’t getting away with it anymore. (Sorry, “getting away.” Forgot the quotes.) Now my body was showing in new ways that I was careless about snacking and junk food, and inconsistent about exercise. Call it superficial, call it vain, call it an age -0 crisis, call it what you will: it got my attention, my profile in the mirror, and my increasing creakiness.

So the realization that hit me that day was that I was up against something deeper (and harder) than just the challenge of changing a few habits: cutting out this food, developing that exercise routine, etc. No, I was in the position of needing to bring about a radical reorientation of the way I related to my body, after treating it that way my entire life…and wondering where on earth I’d find the willpower to pull off that reorientation when this mindset (and all these related habits) were so deeply ingrained. They were practically part of who I am. And now I’ve got to find the strength to change?!

And then in my mind, this thought coalesced…

This is like a break-up.

I suppose you might say, a break-up in which you end a romantic relationship with someone after years and years, only to find that you now have to relate to that same person in a very different way.

Yeah, like, that’s not easy.

And then all of the bad break-up clichés came to mind. “Can’t I just pick up the phone and call? It wasn’t really that bad, was it? It was love and lovely, wasn’t it? And, I can be strong this time. And, Oh no, here we go again. And, OK, that was a mistake, that little reunion, but now I’m really done. Starting tomorrow.” And on and on and UGH!

Breaking up is hard to do.

And yeah, seriously, that’s what sank in as I was walking across that parking lot. Large parking lot. Long walk. Quite a day.

On the one hand, it was a sobering realization. I thought, Oh wow, no wonder I’ve always been so up-and-down. I’ve been up against a challenge that’s far more daunting than I’ve ever realized. And it was discouraging to think, How on earth can I manage to make the deep changes I need to make now, after a whole lifetime of thinking and living differently?

But on the other hand, it was almost liberating to come to that conclusion. The discouragement turned into en-couragement. (Or at least, tempered optimism.) Because I thought, OK, now it makes sense why it’s always been so hard. And that’s no small step. The diagnosis isn’t easy to take, to be sure, but still it helps to have a diagnosis, to have a clear understanding of what the situation is, and what this is going to require of me. Because that makes it more likely (even if it’s a long shot) that I can manage to pull this off after all.

My mind was spinning as I drove home that day. I knew I’d settled on something huge.

Epilogue…

Now here I am, months after that day, and I have to say, I’m nothing short of amazed that I’ve been able to make the changes I have. The revolution has begun. If you’d told me that day, “On April 24 here’s what your life is going to look like, here’s how you’ll be snacking (better) and exercising (regularly) and getting up (early) and walking miles (daily)”—I’d have said, No way. But here I am. It’s happening. It feels like a miracle, but it’s happening. It’s early yet, and sustaining this won’t be easy, and there’s much more to do, but it’s happening.

Come to think of it, I just might head over to that grocery store today and go for a walk and see what else occurs to me.

And then walk in and buy fruit.